It wasn't that long ago I used to think its fun being an adult making my own choices, but now I'm beginning to realize we have an responsibility as an adult to do what's right and act our age. I kinda hate that, but it is teaching me to grow up and that's what I need.
God been teaching me to depend more on Him then anyone else. He lets me know He's there and isn't leaving me. Been teaching me He has the power to give and take away, but has also taught me He can give back. He's been pounding on me more then ever before, I am constantly being reminded what I am doing and being aware of it. More then anything though He shows He loves me for me and that's a sense of comfort I need.
My job is just a job to me now and I do still like it, just don't wanna do the work because I'm getting lazy bout it. But I need to learn responsibility, it's the only way I'll ever grow up. And if I want a family someday of my own then I need to do these things.
When it comes to money it's so easy to blow it, but lately I been trying to save and realizing it's harder to save when you don't have much to start saving with. But even a little is a place to start. I work 4 days a week now doing 8 hours each day while I go to Bastrop Healing Options in bastrop 3 days a week for counseling. I really like being on a schedule so I basically know what I'm doing and when except on the days when I don't feel like it, but that's part of being an adult sucking it up and doing it anyway. But I really love how the Bible teaches to do your best and give your all, sometimes that can be a motivation for me. Thing is bout that is its always on my mind at work, like God is asking me, "Brandi, are you doing your best?" Its hard as a Christian sometimes to do your all and your very best. It only bothers me at the end of my shift the work never gets done because there's always something to do. On the weekends its harder to get to the trash outside because they are busy on weekends and very busy around noon during the week as well. But I am learning ways what to do and when to fit in time to do trash.
The coolest thing I can say bout lately is that satan don't seem to bother me so much anymore and I find that extremely awesome. And it don't feel like such a burden to take my medication because it helps more then I know, well I do feel well as in normal what we call normal now days.
What bothers me the most right now is trying to swallow the fact that I'm not in control, but only my actions and the choices I make. Not others, and not the situation. I only pray God helps me accept that and do what only I can.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
It's War!
The last two months was a struggle, but isn't something always is. Think that is just part of life. For me personally I'm been struggling with the one thing I dealt with most of my life, something I thought wouldn't come back since I accepted Chirst. But that's not true. I was stuck in a little corner once again and felt no way out, seemed like I was doomed either way. That's my metaphor. It was satan pushing me, or he tried. If it weren't for calling my best friend I would've been in deep trouble. I didn't want to believe I needed to get help again, but in my heart I knew the truth. I just was hoping for the moment to pass. Turned out one of my med was on too of a low dose, go figure I guess. But what I want to point out and make clear is that satan will use anything and everything agaist you, he did with me and it was so hard because it felt as the whole world was pushing me away. I didn't realize it at that point, but my best friend got me the very help I needed. Don't let satan win the battles cause when the war comes it can very easy for him to win that one and that's the one we cannot afford to lose. This is my understanding and its the way I see it. But don't get me wrong, if I'm am wrong about it please let me know by the comment below.
I was told in the (mental) hospital by the doctor that its not satan just a chemical imbalance, partly true but its satan too. Its satan having hay day with me. I tried to tell the doctor, explain to her what I meant, but she looked at me like I was just crazy. I just laughed later on cause there's always gonna be someone like that, she even said she was a Chirstian but don't think she really understands.
The night coming back home I got very upset with one of my diagnosis, but I decided from that moment on satan can't do me that way anymore. So I refuse to let a diagnosis rule my life or tell me who I am. I know exactly who I am, I don't need papers, doctors, etc. to tell me anything. My point is I choose to raise above it and live my life Godly as I possibly can. I pray to God more then I ever have and it helps more then I ever thought. God is so amazing and He reminds me He is there. I like that cause lately when its hard it don't seem like He is, but He is. It's very important to not only know that, but to believe it. Have faith no matter what.
I wrote this for a reminder for myself......
I was told in the (mental) hospital by the doctor that its not satan just a chemical imbalance, partly true but its satan too. Its satan having hay day with me. I tried to tell the doctor, explain to her what I meant, but she looked at me like I was just crazy. I just laughed later on cause there's always gonna be someone like that, she even said she was a Chirstian but don't think she really understands.
The night coming back home I got very upset with one of my diagnosis, but I decided from that moment on satan can't do me that way anymore. So I refuse to let a diagnosis rule my life or tell me who I am. I know exactly who I am, I don't need papers, doctors, etc. to tell me anything. My point is I choose to raise above it and live my life Godly as I possibly can. I pray to God more then I ever have and it helps more then I ever thought. God is so amazing and He reminds me He is there. I like that cause lately when its hard it don't seem like He is, but He is. It's very important to not only know that, but to believe it. Have faith no matter what.
I wrote this for a reminder for myself......
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It Can Be So Much Worse
These past months have been extremely crazy, but I think life is that way for everyone in one way or another. I wanted to share about this past year how much it change, but I first wanted to share what it was like before then how it is now. When I came to live with my grandparents a year ago in Dec. 12th, 2010 I did not know or could ever dream my life being what it is today, but its all because of the people God brought into my life. I have wonderful grandparents that are so loving and caring, parents that always stuck by me no matter what, a amazing little sister, I have these amazing friends that know me all too well, and not least but above all my Savior Jesus Christ who will never leave my side. I started out not knowing much about Jesus or hardly enough to know I can be forgiven by accepting Him as my Savior.
I think about so much that I probably don't even need to, but I have always been that way though I am so much better at how I think about things. Few things I would think about before I came to live with my Grandma and Papa was; will life get any better, will I ever have that mother and daughter thing, is God real at all, and I always wonder if He was that it be possible to ever know if I be going to Heaven even after all I've done. I done so much since 2000 up until the last year in high school, then I've tried to be 'a better person' and change my ways. But somehow that didn't seem to work, every morning I remember getting up constantly being reminded of the things I did and wondering if my parents ever forgive me. It felt like the biggest burden, I felt like I was a burden. Though I felt stuck in Austin for 9 months before I came to live with my Grandparents, it was the hardest and best thing I had to go through because I learned alot about my illness and about what I put my parents through. It was easier to want to change who I was cause I knew what it was I wanted to change. Though at the same time I thought I had the skills and believed at the time I never needed to be on any meds that it was just my selfishness and the attention I wanted back then. That was why I took myself off, I did good for a while. But then things got too hard and I realized it was more then what I thought, at that time the two things I knew is I did not want to give up and that I had to get back on meds.
When I came to live with my Grandparents, I did not have many friends at all. I had two; a neighbor who took me to church, and a Sunday school teacher. I didn't even have my own car yet. I had many questions and so much I wanted to know about God, it amazed me learning because Second Baptist Church was different then the other churches I been to. It was very friendly, something there that had me and kept me going back every Sunday. Then it was Beth Moore Bible Study to Houston Tuesday nights, then Friendships. Then before I knew it there was Wednesday nights bible study at church I didn't know about, and a car that my Papa provided me with. I started to get real busy real quick, helping out with King's Daughters and then a job came along. A trip to see my family in Arkansas on my real mother's side for the first time in 10 years, then came back to move into my first apartment, met this most awesome mom that means so much, lost the job and then got another, soon that was when things got hard where I had to go back into hospital and get back on meds. Then with being back on meds things were different for me for a while, but I still had friends even though I thought for sure I lose them. I had lost that job, move out of my apartment and back in with with grandparents with my cat, got a new job at Wal-Mart, and now I have someone in my life that I can actually consider my mom. But God did it all, there's nothing or anything I wouldn't want without my Lord Jesus Christ. I feel I did more this year then I was actually able to do my whole life and its a wonderful feeling, all the thanks goes to the Man upstairs. I only hope and I pray that I continue to follow the path Jesus is at.
I think about so much that I probably don't even need to, but I have always been that way though I am so much better at how I think about things. Few things I would think about before I came to live with my Grandma and Papa was; will life get any better, will I ever have that mother and daughter thing, is God real at all, and I always wonder if He was that it be possible to ever know if I be going to Heaven even after all I've done. I done so much since 2000 up until the last year in high school, then I've tried to be 'a better person' and change my ways. But somehow that didn't seem to work, every morning I remember getting up constantly being reminded of the things I did and wondering if my parents ever forgive me. It felt like the biggest burden, I felt like I was a burden. Though I felt stuck in Austin for 9 months before I came to live with my Grandparents, it was the hardest and best thing I had to go through because I learned alot about my illness and about what I put my parents through. It was easier to want to change who I was cause I knew what it was I wanted to change. Though at the same time I thought I had the skills and believed at the time I never needed to be on any meds that it was just my selfishness and the attention I wanted back then. That was why I took myself off, I did good for a while. But then things got too hard and I realized it was more then what I thought, at that time the two things I knew is I did not want to give up and that I had to get back on meds.
When I came to live with my Grandparents, I did not have many friends at all. I had two; a neighbor who took me to church, and a Sunday school teacher. I didn't even have my own car yet. I had many questions and so much I wanted to know about God, it amazed me learning because Second Baptist Church was different then the other churches I been to. It was very friendly, something there that had me and kept me going back every Sunday. Then it was Beth Moore Bible Study to Houston Tuesday nights, then Friendships. Then before I knew it there was Wednesday nights bible study at church I didn't know about, and a car that my Papa provided me with. I started to get real busy real quick, helping out with King's Daughters and then a job came along. A trip to see my family in Arkansas on my real mother's side for the first time in 10 years, then came back to move into my first apartment, met this most awesome mom that means so much, lost the job and then got another, soon that was when things got hard where I had to go back into hospital and get back on meds. Then with being back on meds things were different for me for a while, but I still had friends even though I thought for sure I lose them. I had lost that job, move out of my apartment and back in with with grandparents with my cat, got a new job at Wal-Mart, and now I have someone in my life that I can actually consider my mom. But God did it all, there's nothing or anything I wouldn't want without my Lord Jesus Christ. I feel I did more this year then I was actually able to do my whole life and its a wonderful feeling, all the thanks goes to the Man upstairs. I only hope and I pray that I continue to follow the path Jesus is at.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Just yapping..
Okay, so I'm not working and I'm not even sure if it was the best choice after all. Nevermind on the reasons. Just can't stand not working knowing I could be doing that right now making money I could use. What changed between now and before I quit, I don't know. I just feel its one of my dumb choices I been making lately, but we learn and keep going. A friend told me "you fall off the horse six times, you get back up the seventh time" well it was something like that, but hope you get the point. At the same time I'm having a hard time seeing what God's plans are for me or what's in front of me, but I'm praying about it.
Praying seems like the best choice anyone can make. And you can get stuff and everything off your chest sharing it with God, He already knows and ready to listen at any time of day or night. I just hope I'm doing what God wants me to do, I know I don't do enough so I'm trying to do more then reading a verse here and there, praying/talking to God about life and what not.
I like singing in the choir and that helps even though I really can't sing, but don't think that matters to God because I'm only singing to Him and no one else. I been wanting to do that forever and glad I get to because I wasn't even sure if I'd be allowed to so I think its awesome. And yes, I'm on here because I am just bored today and rather write about what's on my mind then not at all. Hope its not too personal, well to me I just simply feel like I'm yapping mainly.
I got a young cat name Chewy, he sure is the best. I feel so lucky to have him and so greatful a friend of mine got me him. Chewy likes to be up in my face whenever he can, I on the other hands would like to breath. He likes to be loved on meaning petted and talked to, and playing. When he's not getting the attention when he wants it, he goes around my feet maowing at me. His maow is very soft and he looks at you like you know what he's maowing about so he'll expect you to answer him. What I like about him the most isn't just one thing, there's many things about that cat that brings joy and puts a smile on my face, sometimes he can make me laugh by the silly things he thinks he can do. Overall, he's the best cat I say. And I already love him so very much, I especially love how he returns the favor. Loving me back, being a friend when I need one. Even though he can't talk back, I think he tries to by maowing and letting me know it'll be alright. So I guess you get the idea he's a great cat.
Now that summer's over and school starting, things change once again and always will. I don't like change much, but when I get old I imagine I'm gonna hate it because the world's going to be a different place with technology by then unless if Jesus comes back before then or if I get call home. Technology is already changing the world, kinda neat and kinda scary. Depends on what it is used for I guess, just as long as it doesn't replace our amazing God who Himself is neater and greater then anything. Even technology and money. Now about the money, that's just sad. But yapping about that I find it very unneccsary because it seems everything has to be about money and it doesn't, but it is. In a world without Jesus.
Life just been different for me since I been out of the hospital and I guess if it makes any sense I'm trying to find my place in this world with Jesus by my side. But God been so good to me, and He continues to amaze me all the time that He's there reminding me so much like how bless I am to have the people who are around me, my Christian family. Sometimes knowing things like that is all it takes to put a real smile on your face because life can always be so much more worse, but nothing can change the fact that we Christians will always have Jesus no matter how bad they get. Life is so much more then money and technology. Things that keeps us from God, our Heavenly Father. Just so there's no misunderstanding I love my blood family very much and they mean so much.
Well, I'm think I'm done yapping on here so I'll get off for now until next time I have something better to share then just yapping, at least I don't feel like I waste my breath. Better go, later.
Praying seems like the best choice anyone can make. And you can get stuff and everything off your chest sharing it with God, He already knows and ready to listen at any time of day or night. I just hope I'm doing what God wants me to do, I know I don't do enough so I'm trying to do more then reading a verse here and there, praying/talking to God about life and what not.
I like singing in the choir and that helps even though I really can't sing, but don't think that matters to God because I'm only singing to Him and no one else. I been wanting to do that forever and glad I get to because I wasn't even sure if I'd be allowed to so I think its awesome. And yes, I'm on here because I am just bored today and rather write about what's on my mind then not at all. Hope its not too personal, well to me I just simply feel like I'm yapping mainly.
I got a young cat name Chewy, he sure is the best. I feel so lucky to have him and so greatful a friend of mine got me him. Chewy likes to be up in my face whenever he can, I on the other hands would like to breath. He likes to be loved on meaning petted and talked to, and playing. When he's not getting the attention when he wants it, he goes around my feet maowing at me. His maow is very soft and he looks at you like you know what he's maowing about so he'll expect you to answer him. What I like about him the most isn't just one thing, there's many things about that cat that brings joy and puts a smile on my face, sometimes he can make me laugh by the silly things he thinks he can do. Overall, he's the best cat I say. And I already love him so very much, I especially love how he returns the favor. Loving me back, being a friend when I need one. Even though he can't talk back, I think he tries to by maowing and letting me know it'll be alright. So I guess you get the idea he's a great cat.
Now that summer's over and school starting, things change once again and always will. I don't like change much, but when I get old I imagine I'm gonna hate it because the world's going to be a different place with technology by then unless if Jesus comes back before then or if I get call home. Technology is already changing the world, kinda neat and kinda scary. Depends on what it is used for I guess, just as long as it doesn't replace our amazing God who Himself is neater and greater then anything. Even technology and money. Now about the money, that's just sad. But yapping about that I find it very unneccsary because it seems everything has to be about money and it doesn't, but it is. In a world without Jesus.
Life just been different for me since I been out of the hospital and I guess if it makes any sense I'm trying to find my place in this world with Jesus by my side. But God been so good to me, and He continues to amaze me all the time that He's there reminding me so much like how bless I am to have the people who are around me, my Christian family. Sometimes knowing things like that is all it takes to put a real smile on your face because life can always be so much more worse, but nothing can change the fact that we Christians will always have Jesus no matter how bad they get. Life is so much more then money and technology. Things that keeps us from God, our Heavenly Father. Just so there's no misunderstanding I love my blood family very much and they mean so much.
Well, I'm think I'm done yapping on here so I'll get off for now until next time I have something better to share then just yapping, at least I don't feel like I waste my breath. Better go, later.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Its all God
Well, alot happened in the last two months and haven't got a clue where to begin. But I will give it my best shot.
3 weeks ago I was really struggling, but I figure life gets hard I can do it so I kept doing my best. Anyway, July 9th I started working at Whataburger and blessed to have that job. Be lucky if I still do, you'll understand when you finish reading all this. Yes, it may be long. Really long. The other job in round top didn't work out, sad story. But not the one I'm gonna share. This stuff is personal, everything with God is which is why I think its necessary because I'm sharing my faith.
Working at Whataburger took me away from going to church which was so not cool at all, I was able to go to the morning classes. But I wanted to stay for church and everything. My hours was crazy, felt as if it was becoming my life. I am good at that job which is why I love it, but I hate what it was doing to me. I thought it was the job. It wasn't, it was me. My chemical imbalance in the brain known as a 'mental illness' or to others 'crazy'. I had relapse Saturday night the 16th last month, wasn't sure if it was normal. But deep down because of my past, being on medicine, being told of my diagnosis, remembering, and realizing it isn't normal. I needed help, there was only one person I knew I could go to. Yes, there were many of other people I could've gone to. But I wasn't comfortable nor did I think they could help or be there in a way this person has.
I got in my car that night, driving around the town, thinking "no it can't be", just thinking about how long I been doing good, and how far I came. For the most part, I didn't want to accept it. Didn't want to believe it, never did, and didn't want to that night either. But I changed in the past 7 months, having Christ in my life made all the difference. Getting to know Him, believing in something so great, beyond powerful, most loving, and forever be our true King. I kept trying to drive around, trying to get a good reception on the radio, and then finally I did. All I heard on the radio was, "Don't you give up now". It was creepy in a good way because I had been trying to tell God that I don't understand and demanding a answer from Him. I was upset and angry. I'm very glad He did that, and yes I truly believe it was Him. After that I went back home thinking about what can I do now, remembering the person I had gone to for help, a very good friend. She once told me she hope that I trusted her enough to go to her for help. The following morning I had called her and we talked.
On the 22nd I went into the hospital (mental) for only one purpose and that was get back on medicine. Going in kept me from working and since I last check boss is holding the job for me. You wouldn't believe how I got to share my faith in there and talk about God, it was amazing and at the same time rough. But after a week, I realize I know the ropes. Been through it for ten years, I don't have to live that way, things don't have to be that bad, I didn't have to let it. I chose God, He is the one in control of my life. Even though I talked about God with others in there, I wasn't strong.
One of the things I learned is the whole time when I had my cell phone in my hand back home I could've had my bible in it insend. I always knew it was more important, but never realized how important it is. Guess you don't know until you get it taken away or can't have it.
I had to believe, I had to really use my faith to help me, maybe help others that were in there. Some weren't believers, some said they were but weren't showing it, and some truly seem they are. I got laughed at, eyes roll, and ignored. I wanted to share God's word anyway, it kept me holding on. Gave me high hopes, that my dreams are still possible. They may not be God's plans for me, but it is the road unknown. I don't know what I will come across or have to face. I can only see a little of what my eyes can, God sees everything and knows it all.
When I got out on the 31st, it was nice. Another dear friend of mine had came and gotten me which I'm so greatful for. I keep my focus on God, and take my medicine. I now know the truth that I do need them and that I need to stay on them. I was just a kid when I first got on them, I never really had the chance to really see if I need them like I did these past 7 months.
The first friend of mine I was talking about helped me find that song, heard it in the hospital more then a few times. Its What Faith Can Do by Kutless. Its my all time favorite song and I listen to it all the time, almost know every single word.
I am very thankful to know Christ and have my friends (Christian family) as well my family there for me. Without Christ things would have not be what they are for me today and that's the truth. I look forward to what God's plans are for me. God bless!
3 weeks ago I was really struggling, but I figure life gets hard I can do it so I kept doing my best. Anyway, July 9th I started working at Whataburger and blessed to have that job. Be lucky if I still do, you'll understand when you finish reading all this. Yes, it may be long. Really long. The other job in round top didn't work out, sad story. But not the one I'm gonna share. This stuff is personal, everything with God is which is why I think its necessary because I'm sharing my faith.
Working at Whataburger took me away from going to church which was so not cool at all, I was able to go to the morning classes. But I wanted to stay for church and everything. My hours was crazy, felt as if it was becoming my life. I am good at that job which is why I love it, but I hate what it was doing to me. I thought it was the job. It wasn't, it was me. My chemical imbalance in the brain known as a 'mental illness' or to others 'crazy'. I had relapse Saturday night the 16th last month, wasn't sure if it was normal. But deep down because of my past, being on medicine, being told of my diagnosis, remembering, and realizing it isn't normal. I needed help, there was only one person I knew I could go to. Yes, there were many of other people I could've gone to. But I wasn't comfortable nor did I think they could help or be there in a way this person has.
I got in my car that night, driving around the town, thinking "no it can't be", just thinking about how long I been doing good, and how far I came. For the most part, I didn't want to accept it. Didn't want to believe it, never did, and didn't want to that night either. But I changed in the past 7 months, having Christ in my life made all the difference. Getting to know Him, believing in something so great, beyond powerful, most loving, and forever be our true King. I kept trying to drive around, trying to get a good reception on the radio, and then finally I did. All I heard on the radio was, "Don't you give up now". It was creepy in a good way because I had been trying to tell God that I don't understand and demanding a answer from Him. I was upset and angry. I'm very glad He did that, and yes I truly believe it was Him. After that I went back home thinking about what can I do now, remembering the person I had gone to for help, a very good friend. She once told me she hope that I trusted her enough to go to her for help. The following morning I had called her and we talked.
On the 22nd I went into the hospital (mental) for only one purpose and that was get back on medicine. Going in kept me from working and since I last check boss is holding the job for me. You wouldn't believe how I got to share my faith in there and talk about God, it was amazing and at the same time rough. But after a week, I realize I know the ropes. Been through it for ten years, I don't have to live that way, things don't have to be that bad, I didn't have to let it. I chose God, He is the one in control of my life. Even though I talked about God with others in there, I wasn't strong.
One of the things I learned is the whole time when I had my cell phone in my hand back home I could've had my bible in it insend. I always knew it was more important, but never realized how important it is. Guess you don't know until you get it taken away or can't have it.
I had to believe, I had to really use my faith to help me, maybe help others that were in there. Some weren't believers, some said they were but weren't showing it, and some truly seem they are. I got laughed at, eyes roll, and ignored. I wanted to share God's word anyway, it kept me holding on. Gave me high hopes, that my dreams are still possible. They may not be God's plans for me, but it is the road unknown. I don't know what I will come across or have to face. I can only see a little of what my eyes can, God sees everything and knows it all.
When I got out on the 31st, it was nice. Another dear friend of mine had came and gotten me which I'm so greatful for. I keep my focus on God, and take my medicine. I now know the truth that I do need them and that I need to stay on them. I was just a kid when I first got on them, I never really had the chance to really see if I need them like I did these past 7 months.
The first friend of mine I was talking about helped me find that song, heard it in the hospital more then a few times. Its What Faith Can Do by Kutless. Its my all time favorite song and I listen to it all the time, almost know every single word.
I am very thankful to know Christ and have my friends (Christian family) as well my family there for me. Without Christ things would have not be what they are for me today and that's the truth. I look forward to what God's plans are for me. God bless!
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